courtesy of Palm Pictures

Greeting and salutations* film nerds from Miss Twila’s House Of Voodoo, Sex & Magic, conveniently located above one of the nicest crack houses I’ve ever seen in the Outer Mission. Was that a Baldwin Brother I saw just coming out of there? Nah …

Once a celebrated Bay Area brothel in the 1960s, Twila’s is now a celebrated “Spiritual & Psychic Hub” where (tonight) Poppa H is here to see about getting a curse removed that one of my gypsy exes with an itchy spell finger capriciously laid on me after eating three Space Cakes at a Smashing Pumpkins concert. 

Needless to say, I’m so off love this week … But if you’re not and are (still) one of those besotted, love cursed souls who idiotically dreams of one day having that “storybook ending” with your squeeze (sans Space Cakes), I say ha … I mean bah, I mean … check out the following two movies now playing that feature archetypical Mister and Miss Rights and one saucy Miss Right Now … then tell me which one floats your pickle: the celestial virgin or the cinematic whore?


courtesy of Paramount Pictures

If Stardust Gets In Your Eyes …
If you own a DVD copy of The Princess Bride, get your dreamy ass on down to the mega-plex for Stardust, a visually dazzling fairy tale of a spectacle featuring a dashing prince and princess (Sienna Miller), a sexy witch (Michelle Pfeiffer), and a nubile fallen star who floats to earth in human form (Clare Danes). With double-parked unicorns, amphibious pirate dirigibles and Bobby De Niro as a cross-dressing sea captain, Stardust is a perfect date movie for all you Tri-Delts coming off uninspired four-year relationships with Investment Bankers. 


courtesy of Paramount Pictures

The movie is owned (start-to-finish) by the suddenly hot-again Michelle Pfeiffer, who conjures a mesmerizing “comic tour-de-force” performance as a vain witch from hell that’s giving critics everywhere boners with a capital O.*  Exhibiting the gusto of a fallen super star on the ropes (who knows her career hit the royal skids years ago), Pfeiffer leaves no bullets in her wand blowing us away by blowing her “witchy wad” all over The Celestial Shire.  It’s quite the spectacle, but as soon as Bobby DeNiro sashays into film as the cross-dressing Captain Shakespeare, I could time the exact moment when StardustJumped The Shark … I’m good like that.


courtesy of Palm Pictures

The Glamorous Ass of Sachiko Hanai
Which brings us to Miss Right Now… If you’re one of the sexed-up souls stalking the streets of San Francisco who just found out love, like socialism, doesn’t work in the real world—hows about you sink your sweaty teeth into the 2003 Japanese cult classic The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (now playing at the Red Vic) then call me next Tuesday after Stella Gets Her Groove Back …*  Part art film, part political statement, part psychedelic porno, Sachiko is for all you Hairy Knuckled Film Nerds Out There Wearing Stretch Pants who can truly appreciate the artistic value of watching a horny Japanese nymph get penetrated by the cloned, disembodied finger of George W. Bush.

 
courtesy of Palm Pictures

Originally shot as a sex-drenched “pink” film called Horny Home Tutor: Teacher's Love Juice … Sachiko was thankfully expanding into a surreal mash-up of absurdist satire on the moronic Bush Regime and about an hour of unadulterated boat-rocking porno action.  For all you 35-year old film geeks with a PhD still living with your mother, this is your long-lost libido calling to say for the love of God, put down that roll of cookie-dough, get out of the house and go get your highbrow perversion on, man. 

And wash up before you go home will ya? Mom’s waiting up ... Until next week, be bad and get into trouble baby …* MRF

Pfeiffer DVD Picks To Click
•    The Witches Of Eastwick (1987) – Dir. Miller – Shelly as Sukie Ridgemont
•    Scarface (1983) – Dir. De Palma – Shelly as Elvira Hancock
•    Married to the Mob (1988) – Dir. Demme -  Shelly as Angela de Marco
•    The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989) – Dir. Klove – Shelly as Susie Diamond

DeNiro Comedy Picks To Click
•    The King of Comedy (1983) Dir. Scorsese – Deniro as Rupert Pupkin
•    Brazil(1985) Dir. Gilliam – Bobby D as Archibald Tuttle
•    Midnight Run (1988) Dir. Brest – Deniro as Jack Walsh
•    Wag the Dog (1997) Dir. Levinson – Deniro as Conrad Brean

Happenings Round Town
•    Tues. (8/14 and 8/15) – Aguirre: Wrath Of God (1972) Dir. Herzog
•    Tues. (8/14 and 8/15) – The Mystery of Kaspar House (1974) Dir. Herzog
•    Thurs. (8/16 to 8/20) – The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai (2003) Dir Meike
•    Fri. (8/17 to 8/23) - Les Doulos (1962) – Dir. Melville (Castro)
•    Sat. (8/18) Coffy (1973) Dir. Hill – Bridge (Midnight Movie!)
•    Rescue Dawn (2007) Dir. Herzog – Embarcadero
•    The Simpsons Movie (2007) Dir. Silverman - Everywhere

Volume 26 Footnotes*
•    “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder.
•    “I had a boner with a capital O.” – Wild At Heart (1991): Nic Cage’s Sailor Ripley recounts his child bride with a salacious story best suited for Penthouse Forum.
•    “Stella got her groove back.” – Stella Gets Her Groove Back (1994)
•     “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.