First of all, let me congratulate you on hiring me, your token office millennial. Together, we are creating #synergy and laying the foundation for a better corporate future.
Now, as you may have read on one of the many great trustworthy news sources of our time, like Pop Sugar or Twitter, my generation needs to be recognized for our success. So I'm going to need you to affirm me now.
Here's a list of awards I believe I deserve as your office millennial.
1. Refilled the water in the Keurig machine
Why I deserve this award: I could have not changed the water in the machine, but instead, I did. It was very self-sacrificing of me. Also, millennials derive value from helping others. We consider it "tight AF." (source: Khloe Kardashian's Snapchat story)
2. More productive with a hangover
Why I deserve this award: So, HR gets all mad at me for being a few minutes late on Fridays, but here's the thing. I'm honestly more productive after a night of binge-drinking. Just hours before I arrived at work, I was hanging out with my closest friends and strangers, filling up on shots and work-life balance. Also, I usually feel like garbage after #ThirstyThursday and vow to be sober and serious about my career. So I'm like, super productive on Fridays.
3. Barely distracted by clickbait
Why I deserve this award: I only take a Buzzfeed quiz like once a day.
4. Listened to a voicemail
Why I deserve this award: Millennials hate talking to people on the phone. And even more than that, we hate voicemails. Why say something with your mouth when you could text it? Anyway, I got a voicemail on my work phone and I didn't even know how to check it so I had to Google it. So really, I should get two awards: one for checking my voicemail, and one for taking the initiative to learn a new skill.
5. Millennial speak translator
Why I deserve this award: I explained stan, GOAT and several dank memes to you, all without ever consulting Urban Dictionary.
6. WiFi Martyr
Why I deserve this award: Every time we have a meeting outside of the office, what's my first question? That's right: "What's the WiFi password here?" And I do it because I know you're afraid it would be rude to ask, but it is our constitutional right to be connected to the Internet at all times. I martyr myself for your right to live-tweet every boring client meeting.
7. Makes us look tight on social media
Why I deserve this award: You didn't even know you needed a social media manager until I got here. That's not even my job title, I just do it because I care. I grew our Instagram following to 2K in one year. And yeah, most of those followers are bots, but some of them are real and that's all thanks to your Coffee Lover/Content Wizard. (source: my super tight and approachable self-branded job title on LinkedIn)
8. Not too talkative
Why I deserve this award: I usually spend my day with headphones on, listening to a true-crime podcast. So unless you've got a JonBenet Ramsey theory, I'm good on small talk.
9. HubSpot certified in reaction GIFs
Why I deserve this award: I would never reply all…unless it's a hilarious reaction GIFs. And yeah, HubSpot has all kinds of hours-long training on inbound marketing and sales funnels. And yeah, most of the time I mute the videos and just listen to my true crime podcasts so it looks like I'm doing something. But you know what's truly impressive knowledge? Which GIF of a RuPaul's Drag Race contestant would hilariously sum up my feelings about your email.
10. Basically an IT person
Why I deserve this award: Listen. I get it. Just because I'm a millennial, you think I know everything about technology. I don't. But I am really good at Googling stuff and pretending I'm an expert. I'm like a modern-day hunter-gatherer on the Internet. Whoa.
11. Doesn't need a reserved parking spot
Why I deserve this award: I can't afford to drive. Like most millennials, I am riddled with student loan debt. But also, it's a conscious choice for the environment and it is so self-sacrificial of me to let you use that parking spot for visitors.
12. Voice of your target demographic
Why I deserve this award: As your token office millennial, I provide direct insight into your target demographic. And while I am just one person who cannot speak for an entire, massively diverse generation of people, I will answer as if I can. Yes, we all need to be validated. Yes, we all love socially-conscious brands. And we're also suuuuuper into leaving work 3 hours early tomorrow if that's cool?