Back Door Girl


By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months now. We have a great sex life but he wants more: he wants me to try anal sex with him. The problem is that I don’t want to. I’ve never done this and I’ve never wanted to. We’re very adventurous otherwise—we’ve had sex in public places, we’ve tried toys, we’ve watched porn together. But I just can’t get into the whole anal thing. He thinks I’m being selfish. What do you guys think?—EA

    The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Both of you need to relax, literally and figuratively. That’s the key here. I’m wondering what turns you off about this—is it the possibility of pain or what? You mention that you are a sexually adventurous person, so what makes this taboo for you? Many people I know—men and women—are turned off by the idea of any anal play. “In the end,” some learn to enjoy it while others do not. You may not want to experiment with your boyfriend for your first time, but instead safely and slowly on your own. (If you know what I mean.) If you’re looking for inspiration, there are many good books on how to do this.

It worries me a bit that your boyfriend is calling you selfish for not wanting to check this out. That seems unfair and immature on his part. If he presses the issue, he’s the selfish one. Don’t check it out just to prove to him that you’re not selfish. And if you do some experimenting and find that this isn’t something you want to pursue, good for you.

If he really just can’t let this go, try turning the tables on him and suggest that he be on the receiving end of this scenario. See how willing he is then.

We all have our limits and if he’s not going to respect yours, then perhaps he’s the one with something stuck up his ass.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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