By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now. Things have been great between us up to this point, but lately he’s stopped climaxing when we have sex. That was never a problem in the past. He’s no quick trigger, but he hasn’t had a problem getting off before. Should I be offended? Eventually he apologizes and just stops going at it. This has been going on for a few weeks and it makes me wonder if he’s taking care of himself too much, has a medical condition, is sleeping with someone else, or just generally isn’t interested. Any words of wisdom? This is new ground for me.—SD, San Francisco, California

   The gay woman’s perspective: Jodi Freedman

I’m kinda out of my league on this one, but if one of my girlfriends was going through this, I would have the same concerns you have about your guy.

I would not be offended. I’m sure the guy feels badly, too. I’d start by talking with him about it. Perhaps there’s something on his mind that’s keeping him from climaxing. Perhaps it’s a medical condition. Perhaps he is two-timing you. All three things are possibilities.

Clearly, the guy needs something to change. It may be how the two of you connect sexually. Can he climax when alone or when looking at pictures, movies, etc? If he can’t and he’s not seeing someone else, then off to the doctor he should go, and pronto. I’m wondering if you’ve noticed other changes in his behavior—sleeping habits, energy level, or general mood. All of this can impact sexual behavior.

If he is indeed getting it on with someone else, then it’s time to move his problem off your shoulders and out of your bed. Let him cheat on someone else.

You just won’t know until you begin the conversation. I’m wondering why you haven’t done this already. You’ve been with the guy for several years now. If both of you have gone this long without being able to bring up things that are bothering you, then I would say that your relationship is in trouble. Sure, some couples over-process issues, but this seems like something a couple with experience should be able to talk about together. If you value your connection, your history as a couple, and him, learn to talk to him … and make sure you really listen, too.

Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman’s perspective by Rebecca Brown.

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