By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
I am a terminally single woman in her thirties. I live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, filled with smart and interesting people, and I cannot find someone to date. I have done everything possible to meet people—the Internet, weddings, friends, bars, Whole Foods, taking classes, writing a list to the universe, caring and not caring about finding love, riding the bus, and just living my life, and nothing is working. I am not bitter or jaded or giving up—mostly I feel annoyed. People fall in love every day—why can’t I? Any advice on how to find my soul mate? Please no clichés! I have been single for three years so I love myself, have been through therapy, have left it to fate, etc. I want some practical advice here.—CT, New York, New York

  The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

The best advice I can offer is simply to stay the course. I was just telling a single girlfriend of mine yesterday that maybe her path just hasn’t crossed that of Mr. Right’s. Sounds like I could say the same for you. Whatever the case, don’t let being single be the dominant factor in your happiness. Way too many of us think that if we were in a relationship, our lives would somehow be complete. Not necessarily true. I bet you probably have some friends who are in relationships just to be in a relationship and can’t figure out how—or why—to get out of it. Do you want that?

All I’m saying is relish in your freedom to go and do what you want, when you want, without having to check in with someone else. Be selfish about being single and be happy about it. You sound like a well-rounded woman with interests and goals. Ask yourself this: is it your goal to find someone and settle down, or do you feel pressured by everything in our society—from sappy movies to soap commercials—telling you that’s what you should do to be happy? I’m sure I’m not the first one to say this, but live your life. Don’t rely on someone else to come around—or stay around, for that matter—to help you do that.

Check back tomorrow for the straight man’s perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.