by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I’ve been dating a great guy for about 10 months. Right about the time we started dating, I got a new, even more demanding job, which has prevented me from working out as much as I’d like. On top of that, my job also requires me to take clients to lunches and dinners, so I’ve gained about 18 pounds. My boyfriend used to joke around about what a hot girlfriend he had—he doesn’t do that anymore. In fact, recently, he told me he was worried about my health because I’d gained so much weight. He said he’d also noticed that my self-esteem had taken a bit of a nosedive. (He’s right.) Then he told me that he wasn’t as physically attracted to me anymore. I can understand where he’s coming from, but my heart is broken. I thought the rest of his “intervention” was caring, but that part killed me. I know I need to lose weight, but now I’m wondering if I should stay with a guy that puts physical beauty so high on his list. Realistically, I know I can’t maintain a hot body forever. What do you guys think?—EM

    The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

I know how horrible it must have felt to hear your boyfriend tell you that you’ve packed on some pounds. We’ve all been there to some extent. But I think you might be so focused on your hurt feelings that you’re overestimating how important physical beauty actually is to him. He’s still dating you, right? Obviously he cares about more than just your physical looks, otherwise he’d have dumped you so he could go out and troll the nearest gym for leggy co-eds.

Eighteen pounds is a lot to add to any frame. If you’re like most women, any weight gain will cause your confidence to plummet. You could have the bangin’est body on the planet, but if you’re not confident, no one will think you’re sexy—not even you. You need to own it, EM! You’ll be sexy at any size as long as you feel sexy. The fastest way to regain some of that confidence and come-hitherness is to start an exercise plan immediately so you can begin releasing some of that crack-like endorphin that makes you feel like you can conquer the world. Don’t get overwhelmed at the thought of trying to lose 18 pounds; just focus on doing something to help you feel better and get your mojo back. The weight loss will eventually come.

Also, that extra weight could potentially put you at risk for a shitload of health problems. Your boyfriend obviously knows that or he wouldn’t have mentioned it. He sounds like he’s interested in way more than what’s on your surface and potentially wants to consider a healthy relationship for years to come.

Right now your pride is suffering and your feelings are hurt—whose wouldn’t be? But I’d focus more on rebuilding your confidence than whether your boyfriend thinks you’re fat. Because the only opinion that truly counts is yours.

Check in tomorrow for the straight man's perspective by Chris Kennedy.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.