Two Sense: Can an Ex Become a Friend With Benefits?
I’m an overworked single mom with no time or energy for dating, but I’m horny as hell. I want to invite my ex over for some good crazy sex, but I think he’s still in love and I don’t want to hurt him. We went through this last spring, tried being casual, and just ended up giving the whole thing another go-round, which of course didn’t work. I don’t want to keep putting him through that but I need a F-buddy! And I don’t have the time to meet and vet a new man right now. I feel like a guy worried about using someone for sex. What do I do?
He Said: The only real problem with using a man for sex is that it might hinder him from finding someone who will meet more of his needs. But if you’re clear with your ex that you just want him to provide a sexual release, let him make the decision if he wants to settle. Be honest, how many partners have you actually regretted having sex with? Right, me neither, and I'm betting that your ex feels the same way. But you do need to work on an alternative plan while you're getting ex sex. Could you put a trusted girlfriend on the hunt for you? One of your friends who is successfully navigating the dating sites might be only too glad to put a profile together for you and winnow down the prospects. I’m sure there are single dads out there with the same needs as you.
She Said: If, after your breakup last spring, your ex seemed truly devastated or very depressed, I wouldn't go back for another round. People often can't help whom they fall for, and if the sex is casual to you but something more serious for him, it's not good karma. It's just too high a cost for getting off. If, on the other hand, he knows you two won't work as a committed couple but still sniffs around or flirts, well then, all's fair in love and war, isn't it? Men, in general, are a bit more naturally skilled at separating sex from love, and he's an adult, so if he offers, you're under no obligation to decline.
The real question here is why you think he's the sole solution to satisfying your libido. Not only can your girlfriends help out as outlined above, but surely you have other exes in the more distant past who might be up for a romp? Some sites are full of professional, normal men with photos and resumes looking for casual sex: Have a look at Nerve.com. (I'd avoid Craigslist though, as it's much too populated with all kinds of men, including but not limited to married ones and those with intense fetishes, and would take a long time to wade through.) All you need is a good solid lay … or do you? Perhaps all you need is a great orgasm. In which case there is Good Vibrations, where you can find a whole menagerie of electrical friends with benefits that, I guarantee, won't pose any problems later on.