Two Sense: How To Handle A Cruel Girlfriend

Illustration by Caitlin Kuhwald

I have been dating a woman for about 17 months, and I’m at a crossroads. Basically, she’s mean—she says and does things that border on cruelty. She is hypercritical and insulting with no thought to the consequences. She says the most hurtful things about me, and though I want it to work, each day I’m faced with the challenge of ignoring her insulting behavior. It’s like being on an emotional StairMaster. Is it time to move on?

He Said: I’m not seeing anything positive about this situation, but I’m thinking maybe she’s crazy-good in bed, and that’s why you put up with it. The easy answer is yes, move on. But here are a couple of things to try before throwing in the towel.

First, you can’t ignore regular insults. Though you might accumulate some Buddhist bennies from enduring abuse, but it isn’t helping to bring you two closer. We teach people how to treat us, and it sounds like you have mostly schooled her on how to be an insensitive bitch. If she has something specific she wants from you, she has to explain it thoughtfully. You can help her do this better by coaching her on what works for you rather than simply ignoring her insulting delivery.

Second, agree on the specific issues that divide you. If she has a laundry list, consolidate them into three or four items. These need to be so clear in both your minds that if someone asked what your issues are, both you and she would have similar answers. If you think these issues are workable (being late or flirting with other women, for example), go forward and see what you can resolve. But if these are her issues (extreme distrust of men or active addictions, for instance), then there’s not much you can do till she addresses them herself—possibly in therapy. Sometimes when you care about someone who is lashing out, the best thing to do is leave, possibly forcing them to confront their behavior. If you do break up, be as clear as you can about why.

She Said: I wish you had described exactly what she says and does, but since you use the word “cruelty,” I’m going to use that as my guide. Let me boil this down to some very specific instructions. The next time she does or says anything cruel, do not ignore her. Rather, stop what you’re doing, approach her silently, stop about a foot from her, look her in the eye, and then choose one of these three options, which I will state in ascending order based on how much gumption and energy you have at your disposal. (1) Say,  “You are one cruel bitch.” Then leave without another word, and ignore her until she repents. This might break you up, which would be fine, or you might have to repeat as many times as necessary. (2) Say, “That’s the last time you’ll speak to me that way. The next time it happens, I’m gone. If you need something or you’re upset, tell me calmly, and we’ll take it from there.” This option will involve a lot of time and attention on your part and possibly therapy. But you must stand by your boundary, and leave if she repeats the behavior. OK, ready for the finale? (3) Laugh out loud, say, “You are really adorable when you’re furious,” drag her into the bedroom, and have the kind of sex that relieves all your pent-up rage while settling her down. This option can have several distinct outcomes, but one thing’s for sure: Energetically speaking, you must top her or leave.

Confused? Heartbroken? Curious? Send your submissions to twosense@7x7.com

Cruel girlfriends aren't cruel all the time; thats whats so vexing about it. She obviously had some good qualities to begin with.

I'm at this crossroads myself and the advice is much appreciated.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 27, 2011

Good grief. Why are you even with this person? And why do you even have to ask if you should leave? Those, to me, are the more pressing questions here.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 27, 2011

Hm, and why is she with someone she so clearly sees as inferior?

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 27, 2011

She Said's advice made me VERY uneasy this time. If this woman is as unhinged as she sounds, calling her "one cruel bitch" is likely to get you a punch in the face or MUCH worse. And I couldn't help thinking of the late, lamented comedian Phil Hartman's situation, where he went to bed mid-argument with his wife only for her to follow him upstairs and shoot him while he slept. I'm with the readers on this one: just go, and don't look back.

By Elizabeth (not verified) on October 27, 2011

I second that emotion of thaw last comment!
I have had to do the same with a friend & the only way out was to pull a 180 & bolt...
She torn my down at every opportunity especially when what I said or did was not focused on her..
She has obtuse sence of entitlement & fear of abandonment from childhood woes that arrested her
development & left her as a narcissistic egocentric
angry birch inside..... Even though at times she can be
charming....... The relationship caused me to walk on eggshells which made me ill. Very ill.
That's all behind me now.... I have my health & focus
back & you should follow the advise of those who have been in such ugly relationships & move on to the beautiful world of "other people"
Start now... You'll thank yourself!

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 27, 2011

You've put up with this behavior for 17 months from your girlfriend? You need to face the fact that you've lost your way and your self-respect. Tell her your new expectation of her behavior once and only once. If she can change her ways overnight, good for you (she won't). Then get the hell out and don't look back. Consider getting some therapy to learn why you were willing to let the person who should bring you joy, confidence and love ... instead treat you like dirt.

Good luck. Now go find yourself a great woman.

By Dana (not verified) on October 26, 2011

Even though the description is vague, she sounds exactly like someone I dated. On the outside she seemed normal, but she was truly a disturbed person. She would say unbelievably cruel, rude, degrading or outright-bitch comments at me direclty and about others behind their backs. She justified her behavior by claiming she was "only being honest" whereas the rest of us were too weak or emotionally dishonest to say out loud what we really felt. She had no concept of tact or diplomacy and truly believed she was entitled to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, to whomever she wanted. Also yes, she was hypercritical. And ultimately an extremely insecure person. No one is that nasty or mean without feeling a lot of self-hatred inside.

There are two patterns you might want to look out for: 1) she had falling outs with almost all of her close friends, who in turn end up hating and despising her, and 2) she had a messed up childhood resulting in serious issues of abandonment and self-entitlement. If those tell-tale signs are there along with the cruelty and hpyercritical behavior, you have yourself a live bomb.

Btw, you're probably trapped in your own head thinking "maybe she's right" when she makes these comments or thinking because you invested so much into the relationship (17 months is no joke) you don't want to give it all up. But know this: There are thousands upon thousands of incredible, beautiful women out there who are a millions times more enjoyable to be around. Discovering this new reality will be like jumping into the ocean after walking through the desert. There's an awesome world out there, all you need to do is walk away from this situation and you will start to have some real fun.

Bottom line: Leave her and don't look back. And just as important, when you finally do walk away, let her know quickly and swiftly that you want nothing to do with her, i.e. no communication with her after the break up at all. Cut her off. Mine kept calling me to "be friends" or at off hours when I might be with someone else and it was nothing more than her desperate attempts to control and manipulate my life from afar. As soon as I cut her off for good, every day without her was better than any day with her.

By Anonymous (not verified) on October 26, 2011