How Do I Change Up My Sexual Routine With My Boyfriend Without It Sounding Like Criticism?


How do I change up my sexual routine with my boyfriend without it sounding like a criticism? Specifically, I want him to slow down. When I say “positive” things (“I like that really slow”), he slows down for about 30 seconds, then starts up fast again. I feel like the only way to get this across to him is to yell, “Slow the hell down, dude! Are you hard of hearing?!” But, um, I’m thinking that would ruin the mood.

He Said: Any guy worth having sex with should be more attentive to his partner’s needs than his own. A motivated man can climax after a few minutes of skank sex, so there’s little need for most of us to focus on our own sexual satisfaction at the expense of the women we love. Talking to your boyfriend might help, but a lot of guys zone out when the topic of sex techniques and positions comes up, because (you guessed it), it implies criticism. 

We are a simple breed. Instead of the blahblahblah, try training your stallion by riding him rather than having him run over you. After some foreplay, mount up and start romping to the rhythm you prefer. Make sure to give him feedback about how great this speed is. You don’t need to talk about it. Most post-pubescent males understand that a well-timed moan, ragged breathing, clutching fingernails, and arched back are all signs that things are working for their partner. 

She Said: I sometimes think that the No. 1 cause for the fatigue of the American woman is the delicate nature of the male ego. Just look at this rigamarole. You simply want him to slow down, but you can’t say it. So you compose a letter to a sex columnist, and now, if you listen to the above advice, you’ll start setting a slower pace yourself and giving him nonverbal cues instead of verbal ones. All this complication could be avoided by simply stating, calmly and with a smile, “Nice and slow, ok?” Say it as many times as you need to, whenever he speeds up. 

On the other hand, if you know he likes it fast, then it’s your job to provide that sometimes, just like you’re asking him to provide slowness. Or maybe you take it slowly until you climax, and then hasten things up for him. There’s no rule saying you can’t change it up midstream—and no rule against speaking in bed, either. He’ll live, and be a better man for it.

Confused? Heartbroken? Curious? Send your questions to

Illustration by Caitlin Kuhwald


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