Letting Go of a Married Man


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

For the past few years, I’ve been seeing someone who is married. I know it’s wrong. He knows it’s wrong. But it happened and now we can’t control it. Once in a while, I get the “I’m going to leave her” comment from him. I know that’s never going to happen and that he’s just saying that to humor me. So here’s my question: what am I thinking? I’m wasting my life away hung up on someone who’s unavailable, yet I can’t seem to break the cycle or escape the feelings I have. What do I do?—DJ

Darren    The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

Ever heard the phrase “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” That seems appropriate to bring up right about now. Maybe it’s the thrill of risking getting caught. Maybe it’s the reassurance that someone thinks you’re attractive. And maybe it’s because he’s someone else’s husband. The good news is, you know when he tells you he’s “going to leave her” that the likelihood of that ever happening is slim to none. The bad news is, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place since you’ve obviously fallen for him. He’s probably scared to jump off a cliff with you and risk his security at home both financially and personally.

He’s the one making out like a bandit here. Unless he gets caught—in which case he already has you as a backup plan—he’s home free. I’ll bet you didn’t grow up thinking you were going to settle for being someone’s piece of ass on the side when you envisioned your white picket-fenced life. Whether he made the first pass or you did is irrelevant. Find some self respect and end it. Besides, if you get caught, he’ll either go to his wife full-time, leaving you out in the cold, or finally come running to you. What a prize that would be! He cheated on his wife with you. Why wouldn’t he cheat on you with someone else? Nothing like a little self-doubt to make you feel comfortable in a “stable” relationship. Move on, sister.
Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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