by The 4-Way Panel
I am in a very serious relationship—my first one. I love him very much, but something has come up and I’m not sure what to do.
Due to some suspicious events, I decided to go into his email and MySpace accounts to look around. I found that he’s been asking female “friends” to send him pictures of themselves in revealing clothes. Furthermore, early on in our relationship, an ex-girlfriend sent him naked pictures that he apparently asked for.
I’ve let him take pictures of me in revealing clothes and in suggestive poses. I also know that he invited one of the girls he asked for dirty pictures to his apartment and asked her to bring a camera with her. I know what happens after we’re done taking pictures and I hate to think that he would do the same thing with her.
I don’t know how to approach this subject without revealing that I snooped. Should I ask him about it now? Should I even bring it up at all? I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I don’t know what to do.—MS
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
Too late. You’ve already made the discovery so you have to bring it up or you’ll remain hurt and angry. Let’s talk about how you should do that. Clearly you can’t tell him you were curious about what he was getting into so you invaded his privacy. He’ll immediately turn the tables on you and you’ll feel like you brought all this on yourself. Don’t even go down that path.
Instead, let me quote something you said to bring this into perspective, “He invited one of the girls he asked for dirty pictures to his apartment and asked her to bring a camera with her.” Do you think she came over to play Monopoly? NO! This tells me you may be in a serious relationship but if he thought he was in a serious relationship, he would know he can’t do that unless you two have an understanding. Seriously!
Here’s what I suggest: get on his computer to “send an email” when he’s in the shower. Then tell him what you saw and see where he goes with it. Remember, you come first. When you start making compromises like this early on in a relationship, those compromises go deeper as the relationship moves along. If you’re prepared to handle that, then it’s fine. If you’re not, then you have not yet met someone who appreciates what you have together as much as you do.
Check in tomorrow to read the straight woman's perspective by Rebecca Brown.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
by The 4-Way Panel
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