Recovering from First Date Sex, Part 4


by The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. On the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work?—BG

    The gay woman's perspective: Jody Fischer

Is there a chance that the two of you can work? In your past relationships, could you tell if things were “going to work” after one date? Whether you’ve slept with the guy or not, it’s too soon to tell where it will go from here.

It seems to me that you’re feeling remorse or guilt about jumping into bed with this guy on date one. What I’ve learned from Chris, our wonderful resident 4-Way straight guy, is that sex is all that some guys “come” for and he should now be looking for a new conquest. I think that you two working out depends on several things: 1) The personality and actions of the guy. If he’s a jerk, he’ll be ready to move on, and then you don’t really want him anyway; 2) The quality of the connection over time; 3) You getting over your first-date sex guilt; 4) The phase of the moon (fate).

So is there a chance this can work? Sure. Is there a chance that I will date men?

Sure, but it’s not likely because it’s not what I want. My point here is that if you want to continue to get to know this guy, you have to change some of your thinking. There are people who have slept together on a first date who have stayed together. You and this guy could fall into this category, regardless of your past history or what people may tell you. If you want to continue, make it clear to him that you’re interested in seeing him more and in sharing more than physical intimacy and you have a fighting chance.There’s a chance your quickie relationship can work, but there’s more of a chance it won’t. I don’t think you blew it—if he wants more, he’ll be back. How can we know his sincerity? Only time will tell.
Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way. 

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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