Every time I open LinkedIn, I'm bombarded by articles outlining the morning habits of successful people, or what I should do in the morning in order to have a productive day.
This is all well and good, but what if I don't want to have a productive day? What if, like the majority of people out there, I am aiming much lower, and simply want to live my life in a way that allows me to survive another day? Here's how.
1. Drink in moderation the night before
The morning actually begins the night before, when you're out at the pub by yourself, drinking to forget. Having less than ten drinks will allow you to be on your a-game the next morning, so try to abide by this limit.
2. Push the snooze button four times
It may seem counterintuitive, but hitting the snooze button more than four times could result in a bad start to your morning. You will probably have to rush, and it's likely you'll feel drowsy for the rest of the day because of some science studies that people have done. Just trust me. Also, your boss is probably already looking for reasons to fire you, so don't make showing up an hour late another of these (but a half hour is fine).
3. Make a plan to think about wanting to exercise later
Most successful people will swear by an early morning sweat session, but after sleeping way past your alarm, it should be fine to just tell yourself you'll exercise at some point during the day. Don't be more specific and don't make any firm plans: it's the goddamn morning, for christ sakes, and you don't have the time.
4. Get on social media
Most successful people say they check Twitter first thing. But some say they don't look at social media after they've been awake for a while. It's really too confusing for us low performers to have all these rules around social media, so just check social media, or something. I don't know, I gotta get back to my Instagram.
5. Do the meditation?
Lots of successful people meditate first thing in the morning. Should you? Probably. Will you? I'm not a mind reader. Here's an idea: get back into bed after following the aforementioned steps, lie real still, and try to find your centre. Oh shit – you fell asleep again and now you're really late, but don't you feel more relaxed?
6. Limit your doughnut intake to four
As you run frantically to the Uber you had to call (hey – you did end up exercising!!) you'll want to grab some fuel to start your day. It might surprise you to know that studies have shown that consuming five doughnuts for breakfast is actually really unhealthy. The solution? Only consume four, or maybe even three if you're on a diet. Wash it down with a venti frapuccino, because you need to get your blood sugar up somehow!
7. Take the heat off yourself by pointing out a colleague's error
By now, you're probably at work, and your boss might be pissed. Two hours late isn't that bad, but your boss is being super irrational. The secret to getting away with this is to quickly change the subject to an even lower-performing colleague, and really lay into that person. Just lie if you have to: the key here is to be so distracting that your boss is consumed with rage that's not directed at you.
8. Learn something new
Read a productivity article or two, or twenty. Take your time. The morning is over now and you've successfully gotten as little done as possible.