North Dallas Forty; courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Greetings and salutations * film snots …  Since it’s January (where new releases go to die), your favorite goodie two shoes is stiff-arming the movie house to wallow like a sweaty pig in an altogether different useless American pastime. I’m fidgeting around like a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond* cause it’s NFL Playoffs time again. Not that any of you metrosexuals give a fig, but Poppa Pompom’s in bonafide, full throttle super fan mode. 

I know what you SF Literati are saying, sports are for meatheads, why don’t 1.5 billion people tune into watch a televised conference on global warming instead of the blasted Super Bowl? Good question pencil dicks, but to quote a great modern thinker: They do … it happened just last week … in Crazy Town! * 

Tex Schramm Says Eat Your Football

Don’t ask me why I’m into it, you never saw a guy having so much fun and crying at the same time* but here I am every goddamn year, drunk on hope, riding a frothy crest of delusional grandeur, fanatically rooting for … the best franchise in the history of mankind. Can you name the team? No? What are you a terrorist? The Ghost of Tex Schramm would reckon so. I know women don’t play football because you can never get 11 women to agree to show up for a game wearing the same outfit* but what’s your excuse? You, in the back, with all that back hair …


North Dallas Forty; courtesy of Paramount Pictures

North Dallas Forty

It doesn’t matter if you ride with dynasties or root for loveable losers like the Detroit Lions, I promise all you palookas are going to love this timely gridiron gem. In between playoff games, rent North Dallas Forty, a bawdy tale about a disgusted former player who was chewed up and spit out by the NFL’s glamour team of the 1970s, the Dallas Cowboys. In-between winning Super Bowls, the Cowboys were famous for extreme bible quoting, coke snorting and hooker banging (sometimes at the same time). After North Dallas Forty, the book, made their exploits public, they were soon labeled “America’s Teams” by NFL Films …

As for the movie, ever wondered why Dallas Cowboys get all the sexy birds? It isn’t the ball playing or the Super Bowl bling, it’s straight pimp mojofication. But give me a break, maybe it’s the generation gap, but the pickup lines in the ’70s won’t work with birds today. Note how right tackle John Matuszak keeps his pimp-hand strong:  I love your legs. They got your feet at one end, and your pussy at the other, and I wanna fuck you …* Sounds like Joe Bob took Lothario lessons from Bobby Peru.


North Dallas Forty; courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Worst Slot Receiver Ever

ND40 features (by far) the movies most out of shape, miscast, slot receiver ever, wild man Nick Nolte and his moustache are the epitome of a broken down athlete, especially Monday morning when he can’t get out of bed. Nolte’s only friend is swinging quarterback Mac Davis, doing a dead disco Dandy Don Meredith impersonation. Mac shines while throwing tight penis spirals into the fleshy goalposts of many a groupie. His favorite play? ... Going deep in a quarterback sandwich. 

When the smooth talking rebel quarterback teams with loose cannon Nolte, they bone every groupie in sight, pool hopping the Dallas party scene sporting flagrant woodrows, tight perms and leisure suits. 


North Dallas Forty; courtesy of Paramount Pictures

Could I show your titties to my friend O.W.? ...*

The final shot of the movie is fucking brilliant and the party scenes are nuts, I mean, the theatrical tagline is: Wait Till You See The Weird Part for the love of Staubach. But don’t forget, this is God’s Team, so team chaplain and god-fearing head coach G.D. Spradlin do their best to squeeze the fun out of the fun-loving boys, blackmailing them into conformity. You probably remember Coach (Spradlin) as the corrupt Nevada congressman who tries to squeeze Michael in Godfather Part II—in ND40 he’s pure Tom Landry.

Leave it to the writer Peter Gent to sum it up. He once told a rookie reading the team playbook: “Don't bother reading it kid, everybody gets killed at the end.” You’d think he was talking about this year and the mighty Pats juggernaut. If you are reading this and my beloved team is already out of the playoffs, someone please call Chuck Norris or Dr. Phil and tell them there’s a dead man dressed in a Crazy Ray costume with a plastic stick horse and a head basting in an oven at 3053 Fillmore Street. Until next time, this is MRF “Hollywood” Hooker signing off.  Be bad and get into trouble baby…*

Top 10 Gridiron Flicks
•    The Longest Yard (1974) Dir. Aldrich
•    Black Sunday(1977) Dir. Frankenheimer
•    Paper Lion(1968) Dir. March
•    All the Right Moves (1983) Dir. Chapman
•    Any Given Sunday (1999) Dir. Stone
•    Brian’s Song (1971) Dir. Kulik (TV)
•    Quarterback Princess (1983) Dir. Black (TV)
•    Heaven Can Wait (1978) Dir. Beatty, Henry
•    Lucas(1986) Dir. Seltzer
•    The Best of Times (1986) Dir. Spottiswoode

Volume 47 Footnotes
•    “Greetings and salutations ...” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder.
•    “This goodie-two-shoes is fidgeting around like a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond, until old Seth fixes him a couple of pink poontang specials …” –  North Dallas Forty (1979): Mac Davis (as quarterback Dandy Don Meredith) bows up on some football groupies at a debauched NFL pool party.
•    “They do Lisa … it happened just last week … in Crazy Town!” – The Simpsons (2003): Homer verbally abuses his nerdy daughter Lisa in the stands at Bart’s baseball game.
•    “I never saw a guy having so much fun and crying at the same time …” – North Dallas Forty (1979): Mac Davis muses manure to Nick Nolte’s salty dog slot receiver.
•    "The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public" – Phyllis Diller
•    Could I show your titties to my friend O.W.? ...*
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.