Hey, dudes, your feet are gnarled, hairy, and crusty. They are, in a word, gross. While I can't help you out with the first two issues — God and a lifetime of constricting footwear can be so cruel — I can recommend how to soften and smooth out your rough feet. Besides, it's sandal season (Birks are HOT right now, guys), and no one wants to look at your scaly feet on Muni.

First up, PMD Personal Microderm just debuted a new hand and foot kit exfoliator. Similar to their facial microdermabrasion kit, this handy tool whizzes the crap out of tough heels and soles, rough big toes, and—shudder—even your corns. Similar to devices found at spas, the PMD removes dead skin cells to promote healthy new skin. The hand and foot kit includes four black exfoliating body discs and two red exfoliating coarse discs in two sizes for use on your feet, hands, chest, or face.

Runing around $159, the PMD hand and foot kit can be found at Nordstrom or online. 

If you can't shell out money for the PMD, a better option might be the Ped Egg (or any of its derivatives). Just like the microplane you use to shave parmigiano reggiano onto your pasta, the Ped Egg shaves your foot's tough, chewy, hard crust into fine, airy flakes. Best of all, it holds all the shavings in a handy reservoir. Not since the Biore has a beauty regime produced such awesomely gross results. 

Priced at around $11, you can pick up the Ped Egg at your nearest Walgreens or online.