My boyfriend and I are on a break, but I found his profile on an online dating site. We specified that the break was not meant for us to see other people. (I found his profile because I had a hunch and looked for it, not because I’m on the site myself.) What do I do? —Confused GF
He Said: Honey, everyone reading this wants you to dump the guy. Still you must have hope because you took the trouble to ask the question, so let’s consider a possible alternative. At some point you must tell this guy what you found. But before that, ask yourself what you want out of the interaction. George Elliot once wrote: “Our tongues are little triggers which have usually been pulled before general intentions can be brought to bear.” It may be hard, but avoid the natural yet submissive responses of rage, sarcasm, or cynicism.
You need to pull yourself out of whatever hurt you feel, get some emotional perspective, and solidify your response. Try this: Imagine yourself as a character in the beginning of a movie, the start of your character arc. Realistically, you’ve got a long slog to become the heroine, but at this point you could easily slip into the role of doormat or victim. Your next scene may be to realize this isn’t going to work right now, confront him firmly with the reasons why, and exit. If he pursues you, drag out any possible reconciliation till act three. But if he in any way tries to blame you rather than admit to the lie, he is a knob. Terminate his contract and find a more dependable leading man.
She Said: Gain emotional perspective? Read George Elliot? Whatever. It is so obviously clear that you need to get on the site yourself (using a pseudonym and a photo of a very hot friend whom your BF doesn’t know), include all his predilections in your profile, use your initial email interaction to suss out the deep dark desires that no BF would normally tell his GF, set up a date, and then—depending on whether those desires inspired your empathy and curiosity, or proved that he is not at all the man you thought you knew—show up and see what your new relationship, or lack thereof, might look like.
Confused? Heartbroken? Curious? Send your questions to Twosense@7x7.com and we might just answer them here. Have thoughts about this post? We want to hear 'em! Comment below.
