By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,
I am a terminally single woman in her thirties. I live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, filled with smart and interesting people, and I cannot find someone to date. I have done everything possible to meet people—the Internet, weddings, friends, bars, Whole Foods, taking classes, writing a list to the universe, caring and not caring about finding love, riding the bus, and just living my life, and nothing is working. I am not bitter or jaded or giving up—mostly I feel annoyed. People fall in love every day—why can’t I? Any advice on how to find my soul mate? Please no clichés! I have been single for three years so I love myself, have been through therapy, have left it to fate, etc. I want some practical advice here.—CT, New York, New York

  The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Interesting that you’re asking four single people how to find a soul mate. I believe I know these other three folks well enough to say that we’re all searching for that. But I think I can help you phrase your quest in a more positive way that may set the scene for some better results.

First of all, saying that you’re “terminally” single means that this is a permanent condition—with no end in sight and no possibility for change. You may want to rephrase that. Just because this has been your history does not mean it’s your future. Remember that in order to create change in your life, you have to allow for the possibility of doing things differently and changing some habitual patterns. It’s easy to start with how you say what you say.

Also, perhaps you need to begin with a less of a lofty goal. Finding a soul mate is a tall order. It can put pressure on you and on the other person to be “the right one” from the start. Sometimes, relationships take time to blossom. What begins as a friendship may turn into ... well, who knows? So perhaps instead of looking for Mr. Forever Right, set your sights on Mr. Right Now. Have some fun with guys. Don’t make things be about being together for all eternity. Change up the way you date. If you’ve never dated two guys at once, do it. If you’ve never gone to a single’s event, check one out.

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over in the same way and expecting different results. You’ve walked through all the tried and true things; now try some new approaches. Think outside the dating box.

Check in next week for another Q&A series with The 4-Way.

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