Welcome to our new weekly blog of half-truths and educated guesses on love, sex and relationships in San Francisco. Here's a little background on who's dishing the advice:
He is a novelist living in SF who’s had one marriage, two live-in relationships, 10 girlfriends and a very wise therapist.
She is an SF health journalist who’s been married, single, communal, and bi-curious, and has studied tantra and orgasm—for research purposes, of course.
Q: My boyfriend wants me to go down on him a lot—and by a lot I mean every time we have sex. I don’t mind giving/getting oral occasionally, even frequently, but I’m getting a little tired of the expectation that I service him before we get to the main event, so to speak. How often is “normal” when it comes to oral? (For the record, he goes down on me about half as much as he expects me to on him.)
He Said: Normally, every man likes oral attention every time he has sex. And a great lover is one that gives 100 percent every time. But that applies to both of you, so any a man worth keeping as a lover should be more focused on giving you what you want than in securing his own pleasure. I’m just hearing your side of this, but if your boyfriend expects oral sex twice as often as he gives it, he is douche baggage.
With that said, I remember more than one girlfriend "enthusiastically" going down on me only to find out weeks or months later that she didn't really enjoy it. You could have fooled me! (And what man doesn't want to be fooled into thinking his member is the most enticing thing to a woman?) So speak up; or in lieu of that, act out what you really want. If you don't want to go down on him, don't. Jump on top and do what you really want to do. If what really turns you on is the main event, then instead of focusing on who goes down on whom, focus on intercourse, and expect your boyfriend to play you like he wanted to score a BIC-lighter-waving, standing O, and I don’t mean ovation. If he's a normal guy, his orgasm is easily achieved, while he considers yours the grand prize. Keep that in mind.
She Said: As the female end of this equation ... sigh. It's complicated. Given that a blowjob is a man's version of heaven on earth, you naturally don't love the actual sensations of fellatio as much as he does. You may not even love the sensations of cunnilingus as much as he loves fellatio. But on a deep, physiological level, we women are wired to keep a man sexually turned on (it's how the species survives) and also to nurture. I'm a diehard feminist, but lower-brain biology isn't necessarily politically correct.
My question is: Do you love this guy? If you do, then it's just a small shift to picture yourself actually loving him via his penis. The notion persists in the back of many of our minds that performing oral sex is submissive and possibly degrading, when in fact it's one of the most powerful acts we can partake in. You are master. He is in your hands. And if you by any chance get off on being a little submissive, you can go that route too. Oral sex, like all sex, is open to limitless interpretation, when we open up our beliefs and "stances" about it.
But it's crucial that, in addition to trying to soften your approach to the oral scoreboard you've been keeping, you also speak up. It needn't be controversial or scary. In fact, use this guideline: To say what you want in bed, always use a whisper. It works! If he's pushing your head south and you just don't want to, slink up to his ear and whisper, "I need you inside me right now." If you want him to go down on you, whisper, "I'm aching to feel your mouth on me." Say what you want, not want you don't want.
In a nutshell, examine your beliefs to see if blowjobs have an undeserved bad rep in your mind, and say exactly what you want in bed, in the moment. In a whisper. And watch your feeling of power expand.
Confused? Heartbroken? Curious? Send your questions to Twosense@7x7.com and we might just answer them here. Have thoughts about this post? We want to hear 'em! Comment below.