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Crispin Glover Don’t Like Space Travel

… And How Jet-Lagged Time Travelers Address Late Fees

Fade In:
Insert William Shatner Voice-Over:

Stardate: 05.02.07:
As we re-encounter our heroes on their return trip to Earth, Commander MRF and his Cinephiliac Alien Posse are on … their … last legs. The Red Bull supply has dried up. Bones has jetlag, Gizmo’s gone bloomin’ mad, Spock’s as drunk as Cooter Brown and Alf is grinding on my … last nerve. … And which space genius invited Crispin Glover to Alpha Centauri? This guy’s crazier than I am …


Crispin Glover in Back to the Future
courtesy of Universal Pictures


Stardate: morning of 05.03.07:
Finally landed the jalopy at Cape Canaveral. If I live to be 100, I hope I never eat another Tang Pizza. On our way back from the Stardust Resort on Alpha Centauri, my space chick reminded me we’d forgotten to return the Alfred Hitchcock DVDs we’d rented from Gramophone before traveling across the 8th Dimension. Blast that floorshow! Who knew Wayne Newton could be so entertaining?

Stardate Rewind: morning of 04.29.07:
With the help of my diminutive Wookie co-pilot, our time machine jalopy was able to re-orbit Earth, reach the speed of light (Hyperspace) then re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere a day before our original departure. After the NASA debrief and an unnecessary cavity search, the Space Chick and I recovered from our Cosmic Jetlag by re-watching the Hitchcock classics I’d recommended from last week. I hope you were able to check them out as well …

Stardate: midnight of 05.02.07:
I wake to the sound of sirens and a Portuguese Tourist vomiting on the sidewalk below my flat on Russian Hill. Looking at my Earth clock, I realize I’ve been sleeping for four days …

As a result of falling asleep on the couch (for four days) to Hitchcock’s Vertigo, I creepily stir my space chick and demand that she allow me to call her “Carlotta,” bleach her hair platinum a la Kim Novak and adorn her in a simple gray skirt-suit. She kinkily/groggily complies, which makes me want to sleep for another 12 hours.

Stardate: morning of 05.03.07:
After nine cappuccinos, we plod over to Gramophone to score another batch of celluloid crack. Sometime during my dazed visit to my favorite Earthly video store, I remember an actor I once liked named Tobey Maguire who’s doing a lot of selling-out these days (see my Spider-Man 3 Review). Then I recall a midnight movie playing somewhere in the galaxy starring Peter Weller, the quintessential non-sellout kid (see my Buckaroo Banzai review).

Is this one of those time-traveling paradoxes? I cannot say as my mouth is full of Hot Tamales. … Bottom line: This weekend Space Cadets, use The Force when deciding whether to follow the sheep to the MultiPlex (to see Spidey the 3rd) or check out one of the midnight shows of Buckaroo Banzai at the Clay.

But if you’re like me and decide to blow ’em both off to eat cheese whiz and cookie dough on the couch in your underwear, try these rentable DVDs on for size; they’ll cure any intergalactic jetlag you may encounter this weekend. While you enjoy the “picks to click” from Alpha Centauri, I’m going to go soak my head.

Until next week, this is Captain Chaos signing off to sleep one off. Be bad and get into trouble, baby.*


courtesy of Warner Bros.

DVD “Picks to Click” from the Cinephiliac Alien Posse
•    MRF: Rope (1948), Dir. Hitchcock – A film nerds dream, compelling take on the Leopold and Loeb case. Hitch innovates by filling ten 10-minute reels with no cuts! I’m tired of all these cuts, cuts, cuts…*
•    Space Chick: Xanadu (1980), Dir. Greenwald – Shake your ass with Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton John on roller skates, but don’t expect these pop stars to do any acting.
•    The Diminutive Wookie: The Ice Storm (1997), Dir. Lee – Tobey Maguire and Joan Allen steal the show in this swingin’ 1970s family drama. Lots of turtlenecks.
•    Gizmo: Milo and Otis (1986), Dir. Hata – Dudley Moore narrates a frolicking adventure tale about a lost puppy and kitten.
•    The Vulcan: Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982), Dir. Meyer – Thought he’d choose The Search for Spock, didn’t ya? This is Ricardo Montalban rockin’ a mullet, nuff said.
•    The Hawk: After Hours (1985), Dir Scorsese – One night in Manhattan with Cheech, Chong and a guy named Horst (Will Patton).
•    Crispin Glover: Back to the Future (1985), Dir. Zemeckis – McFly chooses his own movie … how predictable, Crispin Glover …

“Hip Happenings” Round Town
•    Thursday (4/26 to 5/10) – 2007 SF International Film Festival – Castro Theater
•    Thursday (5/3) – Mommie Dearest (1981), Dir. Perry – Parkway Speakeasy
•    Thursday (5/3) – Pulp Fiction (1994), Dir. Tarantino – UA Berkeley 7
•    Through Thursday (5/3) – Year of the Dog (2007), Dir. White – Embarcadero Cinema
•    Through Thursday (5/3) – Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), Dir. Del Toro – Parkway Speakeasy
•    Through Thursday (5/3) – 10 Questions for the Dalai Lama (2006), Dir. Ray – Opera Plaza
•    Friday (5/4), Saturday (5/5) – Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984), Dir. Richter – Clay Theater (Midnight Shows!)
 
Volume 6 Footnotes
•    “I’m tired of all these cuts, cuts, cuts.” – The Player (1991): Fred Ward on the lot, to Buck Henry in the Robert Altman classic.
•    “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack.