Gene Wilder Has An Enormous Schwanzstucker, Voof!
courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Only total gimps miss Young Frankenstein at the Castro ....
Greetings and salutations* from the smelly caverns of the 68th creepiest subterranean dungeon in S.F. proper … Poppa’s not here for pleasure, get your mind out of the gutter film nerds. For once, Hooker isn’t angling to corrupt any of you coke-addled swingers skimming the Reel. If you ask me, anyone still swingin’ in the coconut-scented ranks of the SF crotch-arati is so two years ago … Don’t you people have jobs?
But speaking of sex dungeons, you’d be appalled at how many in the City don’t have wireless! How’s a sex tourist to “do business” or Google “hermaphrodite” in this town when their laptop keeps crashing after every spanking of the proverbial bottom? Not that I would know anything about that, but if you’re looking for the preeminent San Francisco Sex Dungeon Experience that has all the comforts of home, let me tell you, the 17 new ones in the Kink.com Armory really know how to butter your biscuits. Where else in the world could Urban Sex Dungeons become the new pilates? I love this town …
As for Poppa H, I’m blocks away slumming it Mad Scientist-style in an Old School Subterranean Laboratory 20 floors below the UC-SF Medical Center where, legend has it, flaky S.F. Philanthropists once financed an “unnecessary cosmetic surgery wing” back in the 1970s. Apparently the highly touted cock shortening and nipple stretching crazes never took off in S.F. so here the Underground Goddess sits, untouched oh so many years later …
Swedish Peasant Girl Reanimates Dead Tissue – Film At 11
courtesy of 20th Century Fox
You see, a few short weeks ago, coming from a background, believe me, as conservative and traditionally grounded in scientific fact as any of you, I began an experiment in, incredulous as it may sound ... the reanimation of dead tissue … Please! Remain in your seats, I beg you. We are not children here; I assure you there is nothing to fear. It’s more like a family hobby really. Believe it or not, this lair is also where my great-grandfather, the infamous Dr. Froderick Von Hookerstein tried to resurrect four ungrateful beatniks to toil mercilessly in his Beret Factory before it burned in the 1906 earthquake, but that’s another story …
It didn’t work out for my great-grand pappy; he was a very sick man. Okay, I give up I’m not here for nostalgia. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! No escaping that for me! Destiny! Destiny … Des-ti-nuh … From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man," our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself …*
Tonight, we will uncover the prize jewel of this entire slimy UCSF brain collection and transplant it into the head of Poppa H!!! I’m not talking about the brain of Jerry Garcia or even Don Johnson, I’m talking about the preserved brain of one of my cinematic heroes, the late, great bug-eyed Marty Feldman. As for how I short-circuited my current brain, it rhymes with “strangel dust”… Just say no kids … But good thing I brought my lurking hunchback and busty Swedish lab assistant with me to help me with all these buttons and levers. Sure Igor’s good but have I mentioned Inga’s on top of her game? She’s been assisting my brains out* all night. While she’s doing her very best, it occurs to me, I should probably drop this week’s tip for cinematic salvation on you now, before I shock my brain with 1.21 gigawatts of electric moonshine.
Young Fronkensteen, Amuck in the City
courtesy of 20th Century Fox
For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius.* I hate to double up by recommending two old school Castro flicks in a row but who cares about originality anymore, Gene Wilder at the Castro was too delicious a morsel to turn down. Young Frankenstein (1974) is probably the most perfect monster movie spoof that has ever been made. If you boys and girls would stop thinking with your dicks for one hot minute, you’d probably already have this extraordinary in-house movie experience on your radar.
But it’s all about hardcore sex with you people so, in the spirit of giving folks what they want, Gene (the showman) has agreed to a racy tell-all Q&A session beforehand where inquiring perverts are encouraged (by Mel Brooks) to ask how exactly Mr. Wilder’s “schwanzstucker*” managed to get caught in the rotating bookshelf during the making of the film. Believe me, put the candle back* will have a whole new meaning.
Unless you’re hopelessly strapped and trapped in the Kink.com Fortress with a bad case of racquetball breath, you have no excuse not to get down with Wilder. As for my experiment, it didn’t work, but be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity … and grace … Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this (great-grandpa)! What did you do to me?! What did you do, to, me?! I do not want to live; I do not want to live!! ... So much for dignity and grace … Wait, where are you going? I was going to make espresso …* Until next week, keep fucking your brains out America. This is MRF signing off, be bad and get into trouble baby …*
Essential Gene Wilder
• Bonnie and Clyde (1967) Dir. Penn
• The Producers (1968) Dir. Brooks
• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (1972) Dir. Allen
• Blazing Saddles (1974) Dir. Brooks
• Young Frankenstein (1974) Dir. Brooks
Reelin’ Round Town
• SF Sketchfest Presents A Salute to Gene Widler – Castro (3/19)
• There Will Be Blood (2007) Dir. PT Anderson – Bridge
• Michael Clayton (2007) Dir. Gilroy – Opera Plaza
• No Country For Old Men (2007) Dir. Coens - Lumiere
Volume 55 Footnotes
• “Greetings and salutations.” – Heathers (1991): Christian Slater doing his best Nicholson impersonation to a monacle-lovin’ Winona Ryder.
• You see, a few short weeks ago…I assure you there is nothing to fear! - Young Frankenstein (1974): Froderick Frankenstein selling his monster’s twinkle toes to an angry crowd of Transylvanian peasants.
• “It didn’t work that day…the very womb of impervious nature herself …* - Young Frankenstein (1974): Froderick conjures lightning on an Abby Normal brain and a hulking Peter Boyle.
• "She’s been assisting my brains out.” - Young Frankenstein (1974): Froderick and Inga are caught inflagrante delicto by Igor the hunchback.
• “For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius."* - Young Frankenstein (1974): Froderick Frankenstein got game and he knows it.
• “Put the candle back.” - Young Frankenstein (1974): Froderick and Inga play candle tennis in a tunnel after dark in their underwear.
• “Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything … So much for dignity and grace.” - Young Frankenstein (1974): Igor comforts his dignified master as he beats on Peter Boyle’s chest like a ill-tempered toddler.
• “Wait, where are you going?I was going to make espresso.” – Young Frankenstein (1974): Blind hermit Gene Wilder reaches out to a demented madman.
• “He must have an enormous schwanzstucker, voof!” - Young Frankenstein (1974): Inga envisages Frankenstein’s schnitzengruben.
• “Let’s get into trouble baby.” – Tapeheads (1988): Soul Train host Don Cornelius (as Hollywood Producer Mo Fuzz) breaks it down to upstart filmmakers Tim Robbins and John Cusack