Back Door Girl, Part 2


By: The 4-Way Panel

Dear 4-Way,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months now. We have a great sex life but he wants more: he wants me to try anal sex with him. The problem is that I don’t want to. I’ve never done this and I’ve never wanted to. We’re very adventurous otherwise—we’ve had sex in public places, we’ve tried toys, we’ve watched porn together. But I just can’t get into the whole anal thing. He thinks I’m being selfish. What do you guys think?—EA

Chris    The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy

Hey, I’m all for being adventurous, and from the sound of it, so are you two. But I’m not at all into making someone do something she’s not comfortable with. You’ve set a boundary (and it doesn’t sound like you set many) and your boyfriend has to respect that. He’s the one being selfish and greedy and he needs to back off … literally.

That said, it is interesting that someone as open-minded as you won’t do something that seems relatively equal to some of the other sexual activities you’re undertaking. So your reticence may be confusing to him. Maybe you want to explain this more thoroughly to him.

I’m wondering why you’re against this. Don’t take this the wrong way but you have every right not to want to do the anal thing, but perhaps since you’ve set a precedent of promiscuity with this guy, he may be led to believe that with a little nudging … he can do a little more nudging.

Be really clear that this is not something you can be talked into … in more than one way. (Sorry, these bun puns are too easy.)

It’s important that you don’t get behind on this because if you do, you’re going down a slippery slope. (I’m terrible and I must be stopped.)

Consider this: if someone is given many toys (not necessarily those kinds of toys!) to play with, that person runs the risk of decreasing his or her appreciation for them. If someone is only given a few toys to play with, he or she is likely going to experience a heightened appreciation of those toys. I might recommend cutting down on the carte blanche of your relatively new (four months) sex life with this partner and getting back to the basics. It might be the best way to ensure that your best times are in front of you.

Check in tomorrow to read the gay man's perspective by Darren Maddox.

The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.

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