Skip to Navigation Skip to Content

The Hater's Guide to Valentine's Day

Oh, how sweet it is—the dreaded V-Day is back and once again it falls on a weekend. We're giving you fair warning: stay indoors or risk running headfirst into couples galore running into each other's arms, holding hands and canoodling on the streets. If you're anything like us, Valentine's Day is a holiday you love to hate, no matter your relationship status and there are plenty of cityslickers who feel the same way. So, without further ado, here’s our list of ways to commiserate with fellow haters, celebrate singledom, partake in cheeky revelry or just plain ignore the day’s existence.

1. Fight Club: Valentine’s Day Pillow Massacre

A perennial favorite, this is your time to take to the streets, armed with a pillow and ready to nail (with pillow feathers, that is).  Only good things can come of this.

Justin Herman Plaza, 2/14, 6 p.m., Free


2. The Vagina Monologues
V is for vag, not valentine. Let your inner femme loose and sound off about what it means to be a woman. If you missed this week's A.C.T. performance of The Vagina Monologues, don't dispair. YouTube it and then go see the queen of between in person at the Commonwealth Club next week.
Commonwealth Club, 2/16, 6:30 p.m., $12-$20

3. Va Va Voom
Nothing says Valentine's Day than a night of Mexican masked wrestling, burlesque and comedy. Get your ticket now for "From Lucha, With Love" and brace yourself for an action-packed scream-a-thon, where wrestlers rumble, burlesque dancers reveal and comedians like Dana Gould make fun of it all.
The Fillmore, 2/12, 9 p.m., $32.50

4. Love on Wheels Dating Game
If you're a single cycle girl looking for a hunky bike bachelor, this event's for you. The SF Bike Coalition is playing cupid at Rickshaw Stop in a '70s-inspired dating gameshow. Play hard and hope to get lucky.
Rickshaw Stop, 2/12, 6 p.m., $5-$10

5. Doomed V-day
We've all busted seams at Mortified's comedy routine but this one takes the cake. Paying tribute to V-Day doom, you'll share the pain and awkwardness of the necking, dry humping and wretched love poems of your youth.
The Make-Out Room and Starry Plough, 2/11-13, 8 p.m. (9 p.m. Berkeley), $12-$15

6. It's a Jungle Out There
Whether with a lover or a friend, expose yourself to Tru Spa's Pair's Polish. Take a walk on the wild side through the city's only Tropical Rainforest Room for the ultimate exfoliating and hydrating experience à deux. Rub your partner down, rinse off and get ready for a reciprocal massage. Spicey.
Tru Spa, by appointment, $200

7. Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue
Take bitter to a new level. Be especially evil this Valentine's Day and buy all the red roses from your local floral shop (or as many as you can hit up in a square mile radius).

Bonuses
If you're looking to make it an extra steamy V-Day, check out Cal Academy's Sex + Science Valentine's Day Package, complete with a private after-hours tour and romantic dinner or take advantage of Personality Hotels' Spin, Whip and Sprinkle Package that includes an adult version of spin the bottle, sparkling wine, plus whip cream and sprinkles. If all that's too much and you prefer to fly solo this year, head to Good Vibrations for a free vibrator and a safe sex kit (just mention 7x7) when you spend $25 or more, plus enjoy complimentary wine and chocolates while you shop.