By: The 4-Way Panel
I am a terminally single woman in her thirties. I live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, filled with smart and interesting people, and I cannot find someone to date. I have done everything possible to meet people—the Internet, weddings, friends, bars, Whole Foods, taking classes, writing a list to the universe, caring and not caring about finding love, riding the bus, and just living my life, and nothing is working. I am not bitter or jaded or giving up—mostly I feel annoyed. People fall in love every day—why can’t I? Any advice on how to find my soul mate? Please no clichés! I have been single for three years so I love myself, have been through therapy, have left it to fate, etc. I want some practical advice here.—CT, New York, New York
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
Let’s see. You love yourself, you’ve been through therapy, you’ve exhausted every possible avenue to find your “soul mate,” or at the very least a man to date, you’ve left it to fate, but still the universe conspires to keep you “terminally” single. In addition, you don’t want us to give you any “cliché” answers; you just want practical advice.
Fair enough. Here it is—turn the lights off on the pity party, cuz it’s over. Change your attitude, missy.
First off, I don’t like the term “terminally” single. Cut that out now. Attitude breeds action and you can’t be giving off an inviting, enticing, positive vibe with your current thought process. You say you’re not jaded, giving up, or bitter, but using words like “terminally” doesn’t exactly make you sound optimistic, wouldn’t you agree?
You’re frustrated? Granted, in some ways we all are. You don’t think most of us are trying to find love too?! It ain’t easy. I don’t know that the universe owes us a soul mate, or even dates, so the sooner you accept that, the closer you might be to being okay with being single.
Some practical stuff. Are you asking men out on dates? If you’ve tried everything as you say, I’m assuming yes. What happens when you approach men you’re interested in?
What are they saying? If they’re not interested in a second date, have you gotten any feedback? Is there a consistency to their responses?
On the flip side, are you getting asked out? If not, why? Are you giving off a closed off energy? Are you out of shape? Are you boring?
I mean, I know New York, the Internet, Whole Foods, and weddings have people there ... just try to find parking. So you ARE meeting people. What’s going wrong with them in these situations? Are your standards too high? Too low?
Obviously, you can only control what you do and you’ve learned you can’t magically make your soul mate appear at your beck and call. Work on what you want to work on about yourself. What do you want to improve? What kind of classes do you want to take? What makes you happy? Do those things. And don’t do them as gimmicks to meet people, do them because they truly inspire and interest you.
This will help you to continue getting out there and meeting people and doing what you love to boot. You’ll probably find this is the way to make your singlehood terminal, not the other way around.
Check back tomorrow for the gay woman’s perspective by Jody Fischer.
The 4-Way is published monthly. If you have a question for our 4-Way panel, please send it to them in care of the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read more of The 4-Way columns or to listen to our podcasts, visit The 4-Way now.
By: The 4-Way Panel