Sound bites from this week's viral stories, so you can impress your friends over breakfast. 

1. Chelsea Handler Might be Moving to San Francisco, SFist

... apparently, she'll be house-hunting in San Francisco. For, in what might be described as the DVD extras of the Chron interview with Handler, reporter Chad Jones says Handler's looking for digs in our fair city.

2. $35K in Damage to AID's Memorial Grove, The Bold Italic 

Immediately, I blamed Outside Lands,” wrote Cole Valley resident James Driscoll on Facebook when he first saw the extensive damage to trees and a fence at the AIDS Memorial Grove in Golden Gate Park. But last Friday night’s vandalism was not the work of the festival flock, Driscoll discovered. Instead, the damage was likely done by a lone man, a repeat offender who may be responsible for $35,000 dollars of destruction in the Grove and the parks’ adjoining spaces over the last year. 

3. Historic Chinatown Locale's New Owner Sets Sights on Future, SF Gate

But perhaps the best idea: Oakland's MC Hammer - who currently has a show on the Cooking Channel - needs to open a rotisserie joint (ahem, 2 Legit 2 Spit) or, even better, a little cafe: HammerThyme.

4. Meet the First Woman to Win the "Nobel Prize of Mathematics," Mother Jones 

On Wednesday, Maryam Mirzakhani became the first woman in 78 years to be awarded the prestigious Fields Medal, considered the highest honor in mathematics. She was selected for "stunning advances in the theory of Riemann surfaces and their moduli spaces."

5. Color-Coding San Francisco's Totally Bonkers Rental Market, Curbed SF 

According to their analysis, the city's most expensive neighborhoods, ranked by the price of one-bedrooms, are now downtown, Mid-Market, and some southern parts of the city. Hayes Valley, the Financial District, the Castro, SoMa, Bernal Heights, and Potrero Hill top the list, ... and the median price of a San Francisco apartment renting today [is] $3,600, up from $3,023 last year.