I finally, at long last, made my way to Smuggler's Cove last Thursday night. I have been a fan of Polynesian-themed watering holes since I was a teenager, when my underage friends and I would head to Aku-Aku in Cambridge, Massachusetts, mugging in front of the giant Easter Island heads outside before trying to convince the waiters that yes, they could serve us Scorpion bowls. Let's face it—there are point in ones life when drinking tête-a-tête from two-foot-long straws is basically the pinnacle of existence.

Here's the good news—you can recreate those halcyon moments with a trip to the Cove. The requisites are all there, including drinks that are lit on fire, a "lagoon" and enough pirate gear to put 826 Valencia to shame. Happily, the booze used in those Scorpion bowls and flaming what-have-yous is a marked step up from the Aku Aku days because, really, if you're going to drink something through a two-foot straw, it ought to be something good. Those who tend towards the tamer needn't fear, however, as there are plenty of beverages on the menu that don't open you up to staring and commentary, like the plain old Dark and Stormy, here made as is the tradition with spicy ginger beer and dark rum (there are also non-rum drinks, if that's how you roll).

For fame and fortune, complete this chart.

For career rum drinkers (a few of whom we're gathered at the bar, clutching a paperback copy of this book), the ne plus ultra is the chart pictured above, listing 75 rum drinks from the Smuggler's menu. Try them all (and get the boxes signed off by the bartender) and you're assured fame and fortune—or, at least, according to bartender Marco Dionysus, "some free stuff and your name carved on the bar."

I have 74 to go.