Originally published on CaliforniaHomeDesign.com

Ok, no I couldn't. I can't even keep up the ruse for one sentence. But since I'm oddly house-content this week, I figured why not throw myself a curve ball and see what would happen if I were forced to live in a hideous, 14,000-square-foot nouveau-Mediterranean monstrosity in Bel Air. Plus, we all get to look at pictures of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's new house. So it's a win-win.

I don't even know where to start. I would say I would tear the whole thing down and build a small Dutch-style city—something like this with meandering pedestrian paths, a small organic market and a co-op preschool—but all that wasted granite and wrought iron would make me feel far too guilty.

So let's say I have to keep the basic footprint, but I can ignore city zoning regulations and the undoubtably strict HOA bylaws. My next idea would be a super chic boutique hotel. Think Chateau Marmont or the old school Garden of Allah (aren't familiar with that one? Check out CH+D's forthcoming spring 2013 issue for an education).

I'll start with the exterior. Heaven help me. I would have to bring in some quirky artist/designer like Roy McMakin who could make a witty statement about obscene SoCal architecture by covering the whole thing in matte black Venetian plaster and gold-leafing the clay roof tiles. Something moody and unpredictable, but that the little Hollywood starlets would love.

Click here for more insider details on Kimye's house!