To The Ladies Pining for a Relationship, Fret Not

It happened far too many times on the book tour. After a reading from my memoir about turning 50 as a single woman (Oh the places I’d gone! The adventures I’d had! The men I’d slept with!), I’d open the floor to questions from the predominantly female audience.

In addition to queries about writing, the publishing world, and the true names of my lovers, I could count on at least one from a 20- or 30-something, clutching her purse anxiously: “Um, can you tell me where I can go to meet guys in the Bay Area?”

I’d smile, sigh, and utter my standard response: One of the best ways to meet like-minded men is to find a cause you’re passionate about and volunteer. I’d relate an anecdote about a friend, an animal lover who helped rescue dogs stranded after Hurricane Katrina, and how she met the love of her life in the Marin County shelter while she was covered in dog hair after two days with no shower.The questioner would nod enthusiastically and smile, cheered to have added yet another arrow to Cupid’s quiver.

But what I really wanted to say was: STOP IT. Stop it right now—the sad-eyed, self-doubting, nail-chewing longing. Eau de desperation is a stinky fragrance, and men can smell it a mile away. And you’re not even 40 yet! Get out there while you still can, sleep around, and enjoy that young body before nature’s forces drag it south.

Of course, this kind of reply would not have sold books and might have even cleared the room. So instead, and just in time for Valentine’s Day, I’m seizing this opportunity to write and send an open letter to all you young ladies pining for a husband. Read this in the privacy of your living room, cocktail in hand, thoughts focused. Are you ready? Whether you land a man or not, you will be F-I-N-E.

Because in case you didn’t get the memo, being single is now a lifestyle—a way of life that women have learned to love and, I dare say, even perfected over the past five decades. The 40-year-old spinster of 50 years ago is now considered to be in the prime of her life, and she’s got a huge sorority to hang with on Saturday nights.

The Census Bureau tells us that 43 percent of all Americans over the age of 18 are single. One main reason for the increased numbers is that we’re marrying later, and if we divorce, we often don’t remarry. No big surprise there. As one who’s been on both sides of the equation—married twice but single for most of my 58 years—I can tell you that I prefer a ring-free left hand. This is partly due to my exorbitant need for personal space; but also, I wasn’t a very good wife. I was apparently born without the selflessness gene. I resented how much of my energy was spent making sure everyone else was happy and thriving and how depleted it left me of time to tend to my own life.

I suppose I could have enforced the current self-help advice, “Take care of yourself first,” but most wives (especially mothers) will tell you that’s an uphill battle. It’s possible I could marry again, but it would have to be an extraordinarily good deal. Guaranteed sexual benefits, written promises of equal toilet-cleaning time, and tons of solitude. Any takers?

Were marriage a better deal for women, I’d understand why women still crave it. But as Isadora Duncan famously said, “Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract and then goes into it deserves all the consequences.” Granted, Duncan lived during an era when wives were little more than indentured servants, but it’s not like things have improved significantly. We won the right to work outside the home but apparently not the other benefit men have enjoyed for ages: The right not to work inside it. Even though men are now doing twice the housework and child rearing they were in the ’60s, studies show that even among dual-earning couples, women still do about two-thirds of the housework.

But it’s not just about housework, is it? Relationships themselves take work. And we all know who does the bulk of that work. Ask yourself: How many countless hours did you spend in pursuit of his happiness instead of your own, making sure his ego was massaged, his quality of life upheld, his needs taken care of, your needs communicated in the most amenable way? Then imagine if you’d spent half as many hours taking care of yourself as you did of him and the relationship. If housework is unequal between men and women, emotional caretaking is even less on par.

Consider, too, that the financial incentives to marry are no longer what they were. These days, women comprise nearly 60 percent of college graduates, and according to Census Bureau statistics, single urban women in their 20s actually out-earn their male peers. Throw in the fact that if you’re dying to have a baby, you can still do it and join the growing legions of single moms out there who are making a nice life for themselves without the presence of a traditional dad.

Add it up, ladies. Is the single life really that scary and unrewarding? Or does it offer its own deep pleasures and fine times? I’d vote for the latter.

Although being a happily single person does take practice, in my experience in writing about the single life, I can tell you that the happiest, least lonely singletons are those who actively maintain their work ties and friendships and get involved in community or religious activities they feel passionate about. That’s why my response about volunteering, while glib, is heartfelt—there’s no better way to meet great people of like minds.

To make the most of being single, it also helps to acquire a slightly tough hide. It’s impossible to ignore the fact that our culture is officially off its nut when it comes to weddings and marriage. It’s also hard to ignore relatives who cluck their tongues when you come to yet another family dinner solo and wonder out loud why you keep rejecting that nice friend of theirs who sells insurance over in Fremont.

But stand tall, single girl. Stop fretting about your ring finger, and worry more about finding your best self during a time that can be the most fabulous of your life. No perfume in the world is sexier than confidence—and no outlook more sustaining than one that actually bears up to reality.

Jane Ganahl is author of Naked on the Page: the Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife (Viking Adult) and the anthology Single Women of a Certain Age (New World Library). A journalist of almost 30 years, she is also codirector of Litquake.

*Published in the February 2011 issue of 7x7. Subscribe to 7x7 magazine here.

Totally agree !!!

Why's is wanting to get marry these days synonymous of not being happy with yourself, being weak, not aware of your potential, etc .

Are we assuming then, that marriage is for unstable, incomplete, underdeveloped people ? It goes both ways.

There are also happy, succesful, middle age women out there that want to be married.

By Anonymous (not verified) on March 13, 2011

It's great to understand that being single could be a choice and it's perfectly fine. It's just as important to support and tolerate those who make that choice.

However lately ,I see so many of these articles and all I can think is : "stop trying to create a false sence of happines for women who deep inside DO want to be in a commited relationship, but unfortunately haven't been able to find the one" ......that ALSO can be a choice, and not always a result of pressure from society.

It's so insulting when people jump down my troat everytime I mention how much I would like to be with someone. for some reason they think the are making me feel better by telling me that I have to like myself, I have to have fun by myself, I have to enjoy doing things by myself !!! " I GOT NEWS PEOPLE !!!, I am and do all those things already, but wanting to share my life with someone DOESN'T make me a looser.

By Anonymous (not verified) on March 13, 2011

I don't know why we need to obssess over either single or married. Be single or be married, doesn't really matter - just be happy, productive, peaceful, passionate, and content. It's not better to be single or married. It's just a personal choice with a variety of factors at play. We get 1 life for a mere 80 yrs or so, and there are 6 billion ppl on this earth, so does it really matter that much to others what decisions I make about mine?
I can refute another poster's claim - I am single but the last thing I am is materialistic, in fact having 1 income instead of 2 kind of lends itself to being nonmaterialistic.
As a single woman in her 40s, I too cry at weddings, I am perfectly capable of celebrating other ppl's happinesses without defining their happiness as my own. Just like when someone graduates with a PhD, doesn't mean I too want to get a PhD, yet I celebrate her achievement nonetheless.
It's silly to think that single women are lonely. I have many more friends and a lot more fun as a single person than I ever did married or in a relationship. In fact, the only times I have ever felt lonely were during my marriage and various relationships.
I certainly understand the dilemna for young women who haven't been married or had kids yet. But for middle-aged females who've been married and had kids, it should be completely open and acceptable for us to choose either path.

By Anonymous (not verified) on February 24, 2011

It annoys me that an article meant to lift up those who have a coupling complex or just need a little push (hey it's okay if marriage is not what you want, regardless of what your Mom and friends say) is treated like an attack on those who want to marry by the commenter's. If you want to marry do but don't impose your ideals on those that choose not to.

By Anonymous (not verified) on February 14, 2011

I'm delighted to see that at least SOME women are able to embrace just being themselvbes....... I was married early to my highschool sweetheart, had a son, and divorced after ten years of unhappiness. My mother (ah yes, a product of her generation) was very hot to have me marry again. I told here that although raising a child alone had its challenges, at least I knew what they were and that if I remarried, I would be trading the 'known' for the 'unknown'. She got it........ she never raised the subject again.

I've been single for more than 30 years, and while I sometimes wish I had a someone to drag to outings or travel with, I must say I'm much happier than I was married. I must also say that being single allows me the flexibility to persue my dreams without having to compromise to support someone else's. THAT is freedom.

I'm straight, I have a fulfililng job, and great friends who have become my family. I have had several long term relationships (5+ years) since my divorce, and with one exception was the one who ended the relationship when it no longer was fulfilling to either of us.

My contemporary female friends all say that if they were single again they would NOT marry, but would prefer instead to have a supportive and loving relationship with a man without the complications that marriage brings.

Each of us must treat our own paths, and I find my happiness following the pathway described by this author.

Thank you for sending the message that single women are not damaged goods, and that it's OK to be who we are without defining ourselves through other people's eyes!!

By Anonymous (not verified) on February 14, 2011

It annoys me that there are all these single straight people (either by choice or not or somewhere in between), yet society keeps trying to withhold and take back (as in California) the right for same-sex couples to marry. These rants about why it is better to be single than married in modern cosmopolitan society are like a chubby hipster complaining that she can't find rBST-free ice cream while in earshot of famished Somalian villager.

I was married in the brief California window when it was legal and thankfully my marriage is grandfathered despite Prop 8, even though (thanks to DOMA) my marriage is not recognized at the U.S. level or in many States. Having the option to marry is a true privilege and the married experience has really taken my 8.5 year relationship with my husband to new heights. For all my gay brothers and sisters, it's sad to see all these heteros take for granted a right that we are fighting so hard to obtain...

By Married Gay Man (not verified) on February 14, 2011

A terrific and important message! My favorite line: "Eau de desperation is a stinky fragrance, and men can smell it a mile away"

By Patricia V. Davis (not verified) on February 14, 2011

I see it all the time. The very people who write about this stuff, whether it be an author/speaker on marriage or on singlehood,ironically ends up in divorce or marries. If I was a betting woman, my guess is that Ms. Ganahl meets her life long partner and happily remarries AND God Bless her for it!

Folks, before we think we have it all figured out, life is full of surprises as well as hypocrisy. And it is just as well... it keeps us all from becoming too self-righteous on a myriad of topics....

By Anonymous (not verified) on February 01, 2011

It's very easy to dismiss marriage these days and while it's great that women increasingly don't need to get married to be happy let's pause for a moment and reflect that couples in nearly every society on earth across thousands of years have formalized their coupling with something called marriage. Many of us cry at wedding ceremonies in part because it's beautiful, brave, and divine to see two people vow to do their best, in the greatest and worst of times, to support each other for the rest of their lives. I know marriage has been used to oppress women, keep a family’s status, raise children; I know the divorce rates are high. But for me and millions of others there is something deeply human, powerful, and satisfying in making the daily sacrifices needed to live in that commitment.

By Anonymous (not verified) on January 30, 2011

Thank you for re-affirming all that I have been embracing for the last 30 some odd years; i could not agree more ---> "But I don't believe in settling. I refuse to settle for just anyone (not even that guy that sells insurance in Fremont), because if my only purpose in life was to get married, I would have done it already. Instead the only thing I am settling for is the best version of myself. I wish there were more outlets for women my age to find inspiration to enjoy life as it is without constantly worrying about their biological clock. And who knows, maybe if we all stop worrying about finding love and just focus on loving the life we have, we might just bump into someone else who equally enjoys life as much as we do." -Jessica Treiber

By Arlene (not verified) on January 30, 2011

Thank you so much for this, the timing was just perfect. I think my boyfriend and I just broke up last night because I tried to talk to him about something that was important to me in the most caring way I knew how, and he completely shut down and refused to communicate. So now instead of cuddling on the couch most of the weekend I'm gonna handle some tasks to help grow my small side business, go out with my girlfriends tonight, and have a really fun and productive weekend. And that is just F-I-N-E. ;)

By Anonymous (not verified) on January 29, 2011

I wish there were more writers out there like you. As a late twenties single girl from the midwest, I am the very definition of what my mother labels as an old maid. But I don't believe in settling. I refuse to settle for just anyone (not even that guy that sells insurance in Fremont), because if my only purpose in life was to get married, I would have done it already. Instead the only thing I am settling for is the best version of myself. I wish there were more outlets for women my age to find inspiration to enjoy life as it is without constantly worrying about their biological clock. And who knows, maybe if we all stop worrying about finding love and just focus on loving the life we have, we might just bump into someone else who equally enjoys life as much as we do.

By Jessica Treiber (not verified) on January 28, 2011

There is joy in sharing! These days women earn the "right" to work but that made them slaves to their bosses, to the banks, to the capitalist monstrous system. If that was a good development for women why especially in US women are so unhappy, neurotic & aggressive ? Is this the way it should be?
Of course if you want from women to spend more money , being lonely is perfect because they will try to fulfill the emotional gap with other " stuff" (including books about how to deal with being single!).
Humans, mammals we are made to be connected emotional we other people. Happiness is always related to our connection with another human being!(friends,family, partner, lover, union of people etc). You dont have to be married to be happy but you need to feel loved and most importantly to give love.
There is nothing sexy or even normal to a woman that missed the opportunity to be a real woman and be proud of it! All the other stuff is just "sex & the city" kind of stories that will never bring you real happiness but they will bring good profit to the pharmaceutical companies and the writers of books about "happiness".
My advice to all women is this: stop eating whatever they feed you, just be a woman ....vulnerable & strong, sweet and giving, love and be loved, fall, cry , have passionate sex, do not calculate your feelings ...this is called living and there is a joy in living (even when u regret being vulnerable ) ...

By Anonymous (not verified) on January 28, 2011